Reap what you Sow

I just realized I am pretty good about letting things I’ve done roll off my back without much guilt – you reap what you sow, you know what you’re doing when you’re doing it no matter how much you try to say you didn’t later on. 

I am so tired of the stream my life has floated on recently, and luckily there’s a fork coming up rapidly. I can choose to continue on or start new. Summer is my new start. Sticking to what, who knows I know better than to commit to anything up front, so we’ll see where it goes. 

I always know that you reap what you sow. 

SNSD splits into a sub-unit, fuuu…

I might be the only person who hates sub-units. I’m sorry but they never do anything but spotlight how these members are extra special when it’s supposed to be about the team. With kpop I actually appreciated the fact that members were advertised as ‘main dancer’/’main vocalist’. Okay, we know our parts it doesn’t have to be the hushed undertone. And besides, even if you are a main dancer, the main vocalist always gets an inch more of time center stage it seems. So sub-units just highlight this for me. 

So anyways, we now have Taetiseo, the 3-member sub-unit of SNSD. Oh hah, very witty SM, I see what you did there! The name itself makes me sad, at least Morning Musume tries with their names even though it feels like you just ate a super old strawberry hearing it, just too sweet. And Tiffany? Really, I’m surprised they didn’t go with Jessica since she, Taeyeon and Seohyun are always the recurring power stream in the songs. Alright, so one point to SM for at least going slightly off expectance for line-up members, but minus one for the name, I know this whole ordeal felt rushed but I’m sure it wasn’t, you all had more time to make a much more creative name than that. So we’re at 0 still.

BUT! If you haven’t, go check out the teaser pic. Now I’m interested. Girl’s Generation always feels like the start of a new trend in a way. And to be honest I wouldn’t mind if we moved away form the vampire-esque themes creeping in right now (Shinhwa, 4minute, SISTAR). Kpop is always known for its use of bright colors with no apologies. But there’s a different tick inside this one. More fashionesque, those bangs, the makeup. I’m interested to see what this MV will be like.

Now we’re at 1. 

A Pang In My Head

Weird emotion just now. I don’t really think I can explain it, it was this giant shock. Yes, that was it, like a jolt of the strongest, most seductive blend of caffeine ever.  But in a terrible way. I seemed to have stumbled onto a deep root… revelation might be the only word I can find right now.  A life changing thought, one that makes you realize why you are the way you are, in a bad way. Repressed. There we go. Something you’ve repressed? Like opening fire on something like that is more a time bomb than anything else. So I sprung upon it, this repressed memory as to why I might be so… stunted at times in the brain. But! But, here’s the crazy part where we take a 90-degree turn to avoid a terrible, terrible crash at the last second. There-is-a-scrape-on-the-car close. And for whatever reason, I forgot what the thought was. In the very instant I figured it out and then it disappeared. It surfaced quickly and then receded away.

I feel like I might be on a sinking shit beginning to watch the shark’s fin rise up and down and up again on the glistening black-pearl-like surface of black water.

 A thought I didn’t want to escape.

His View (Katniss)

Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games

 

Description:

This is a quick sketch of how I feel Peeta see Katniss. Yes, I am one of -those- people who’s not on Gale’s side. I think it’s only because I’ve read the first book and just saw the movie yesterday. I know Katniss isn’t doesn’t fancy him, but I wish she did.

On the drawing though, lol, Katniss is such a strong, independent character – I love it. After the disaster that was Twilight we needed a strong female character. As much as I love that trait in her, I wanted to reflect a delicate side, and seeing as I love Peeta x Katniss, I thought it was a good excuse to make sappy fan art for that ship :].

Sense

You scent is tangled in the crevices of my hair,

and hidden in the pockets underneith my nails,

 

A distilled breath of air

 

Wrapping around like a ribbon, a sweet trap

that I run to for your memory.

 

Writing is like raising an ill-mannered child

That title sounded way better than “Writer’s Block.” But either way, it’s true, writing is like somehow managing to raise an terrible-twos kid. Granted, I do not have children, I have a very negative bias towards them but from what I have to go on (be it people’s experiences or how the movies/books like to portray it) I imagine that it’s the right analogy.

Writing is one of those things that can’t be forced. Sure, if you have a 3000-word paper due, the creative juices are going to somehow going to get pulled at by the deadline, force or no force. But in creative writing or anything really that doesn’t have to be turned in on crunch time is something that resists rough handling. Any writer knows the type of work they do if they sit there frustrated and churning out words half-heartedly just because they think they need to. Never looks pretty. I myself fall victim to it, I think I just should be writing have to be producing something, so I sit and watch the cursor blink on my blank word document until I conjure up some words. But it never ends well.

It’s a temperamental process. Some days you can bang out thousands of words like it’s nothing, well aren’t you the next Charles Dickens or something! Next day you reread everything you wrote and wonder who possessed your body to produce that much and where are they now? Every word and sentence you write just isn’t… right. It’s all wrong wrong wrong! So you delete and wait for the next whirlwind to hit.

That’s why I likened it to an ill-mannered child. Sometime they’ll cooperate, hell sometimes they’re smart enough to do it to get what they want. And then BAM, right when you think they’ve learned manners here they go tearing open the cushions on your couch and screaming mindless garble about aliens while you have a migraine. You never know when it’s going to act up, you never know if it’s going to be a good day or a bad one when you wake up.

One thing is the same though, the more you go one the more they grow. Your child might be a handful, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to abandon him/her because it gives you a hard time. You care for that kid and you want to raise him to be the best person they can be. So you deal with the heartache and the headaches that comes with the territory, you might not have known you were signing up for this, but you’re on board now. And once that child grows into a find young adult, you feel that sense of pride and that  growing light within that yes, I had a helping hand in that. Writing is just the same in that no matter what, you can’t just give up because it’s giving you trouble. Everyone goes through it and when it gets bad sometimes it’s okay to just reach out to others and say “Hey, how’re you dealing with this?” And once your piece is finish, be it a novel or poems, journals or essays, you’re proud to say you didn’t quit and that here is something beautiful for everyone to see.

Satisfaction.

This all goes back to my one-day-at-a-time mantra. I’d been fighting with my writing for months on end and getting no where. Scrapped project after scraped project, the very essence of what I didn’t want to do – quit. I just had a great little burst of energy on what I’m working on now this morning. It refueled my hope that’s for sure. But it also reaffirmed that patience is a virtue, and no matter what, you signed up for the ride so don’t you dare get off.

How on Earth did you get here?

I find myself doing that, looking at people as I walk/half-jog to work or class. Looking and wondering how they ended up being here, what were they doing X number of years ago while I was doing such-and-such back then. What were they doing on July 29th, 2009, on days where my memories are crystal clear. It’s a passing thought, but I like to entertain it once in a while.

All of our lives intersect at some point anyways. At work, we all connect on one central node and then take off like a tangent at the end of the day to go connect with some other line out there. Sometimes those lines parallel each other more than another, some will never even intersect. But still, how on Earth did you manage to cross my vision at that very moment? We’re all alive in this moment, everyone is doing something collectively. We’re all breathing, some are just inhaling and some are just exhaling.

Time for a Cliched Rant about Women

It’s time to hit the nail even further into the already cracked and beaten board. The horse has long since been dead but I’m still here beating away at it. Yes, time for a cliched blog rant which we’ve all probably read, fought about and resolved multiple time – Is a woman asking for it by what she wears?

Let’s paint the picture – I’m a women who works practically a full-time job while going to college. I’m constantly around the college vibe and consider myself a part of it, and part of that feeling is youthflness. Well, I’m 20 years old any in the prime of my youthfullness you could say. Let me restate this: I am a 20-year-old college female who lives in the Sunshine state.

I’m a big fashion lover, I enjoy putting clothes together to make myself look cute. It makes me feel good about myself, it gives me confidence when I walk out the door, not because I know men are going to oogle me, in fact I don’t even like ‘anticipating’ that since I feel like an egotisic bitch, but because I know I look good. And what’s that old saying? Oh, right. When you look good, you feel good.

You know, maybe not everyone needs that. I know some of the counter to that is, Well you should just like yourself as you are, it’s not what’s on the outside. Well to them I say tough shit, everyone’s different and if I want to spend an extra five minutes on my makeup in the morning because it makes the rest of my day better then I damn well will. I wasn’t ever considered pretty growing up, I was always kind of a tom boy and never really had any fashion sense, men didn’t find me attractive. All of the sudden in 12th grade I starte playing with makeup and clothes and you know what, I kind of liked the result. I kind of liked thinking that I was pretty. I enjoyed not looking at myself in the mirror and sighing because I didn’t think I’d ever be considered beautiful.

So now I dress how I do for me. And yes, sometimes it’s not the most conservative attire, sometimes it’s ‘racy’ (not even) but you know something else? I worked hard for my body, and I try to take care of it and keep it looking nice, why do I have to hide it?

Dear society why are you full of catch 22s? Why is it that I’m told to be fit, be sexy, be the ideal woman but yet when I’ve achieved it and go to show it off, suddenly I’m ‘slutty’ ‘flirty’ and in most cases ‘asking for it’. You can’t have it both ways, men.

And why can’t I do it for myself? That’s my big issue here. No one believes that women dress as they do for themselves because, OBVIOUSLY, the only reason they dress is to attract a potential man to come and whisk them away, the only fate for women. BAH. Bullshit . I dress as I do because I’m young and I won’t look this way forever, I want to enjoy it. And yeah, I don’t mind the attention, the quick glance from the opposite sex. But to say that I do it, solely for blatent sexual attention is too far.

I do it for myself. And that’s all you need to know.

 

IRL is hard.

It’s the weekend, which means it’s not really for me! Hah.. Haha… My Saturday and Sunday were Tuesday/Thursday respectively. But at least I’ve had a decent week. Another topsy-turvy one though, I swear, every time I think I’m done with some big expanse on my mentality, something comes along and ruffles it up.

This week hasn’t been hard per say, just another challenge. I was once again brought face-to-face with issue that I could easily have run away from but instead decided to man-up and face them. Most of these challenges involve men. I’m really good at running away from them if they get close to me and end up fancying me while I myself don’t to them. This has caused tons of panic in me before, but I was surprised to find that when I reached out, really listened and gave someone some time just how positive the response could be.

And this guy has been really sweet. Honestly, he’s gone above and beyond for me multiple times and also on multiple occasions I’ve made excuses, fun away and left him for gone. He’s persistent though. Something about how he kept coming back made me think that maybe I should hear his side. Maybe I’m not some great self-sacrificing person for “taking one for the team” and keeping him from falling for a “girl like me”. <– Flawed philosophy.

I guess this is another way of growing, and living in the present moment. Forgiving and opening up is a big part, something I’m not too good at. Well, this said person was quite receptive to me, I’ve done some not-so-nice things (I.e. the running away) to him before but unlike what I expected he was quite kind and understanding. The biggest thing that rocked me was when he said: I’m just glad you didn’t run away again this time.

I’m normally quite good at finding my faults. I’ll admit to people I’m egotistic, sometimes overly snarky and definitely a buggy with mood swings. But there’s something about another person calling them out that really struck a chord with me. THat’s been my whole thing, that I am the one who can admit my fault in a sea of people in denial.

Maybe I don’t give people enough credit.

It was refreshing to be scolded like that, and also to be forgiven even if I didn’t deserve it. This person truly is unique though haha, he might be the only one who would. But he’s a good man. Truly, he’s a good man. He calls me out when needed and it brings me back and forces me to evaluate what I’m doing. It’s happened multiple times before. I think that scared me and caused me to really have that “run-away” instinct kick in.

But I want to grow and I want to change. I don’t want to hurt people anymore. He told me my communication with people is poor. And I can’t find fault in that… since here I am much more comfortable talking to “millions” (in a way, not yet though ;D) with ease whereas people put a roadblock between my brain and my mouth. It’s hard for me to tell people what I feel.

That might have been a fault I didn’t want to admit.

He got me though. Sometimes it just takes one person and one comment to really make you see something. I thought all my great revelations were done. But I’m sure, like everything else, they’re just getting started.

a feeling

Sunburn on my skin, licks like a kiss up and down my arms.

Only the arms,

only the arms speak with a lisp of heat in their movement.

Such sweet heat, in the night’s musky air,

It’s quiet in this room but for the friend of a window, conversing with the wind.

Sweet summer, do me a favor and send your caressing air between my knees

Between my thighs

A heat, a heat, a heat

That needs something more than the burn of sun and the flirt of the breeze

A heat

Come touch me

Come light up this heat

Hair wet, towel around my skin, in the moonlight, this picture would be better if you

come add something else to this

heat, this coolness, this wetness, this heat.

A blush.